Well, now that you mention it….

Life’s like a movie, write your own ending.  Keep believing, keep pretending – Jim Henson

Do you ever feel like you’re watching a movie of your own life? Not a movie in the sense that my “star syndrome” is getting the better of me and I feel all glamorous or famous or kindred to some character.

This post could easily go one of two ways.

First, it could be that life is so much like a movie that you haven’t seen before. There are highs and lows, hijinks and drama, happiness and sadness….but you just don’t know how it’s all going to turn out. It’s just the best you can do to go through the motions every day, whatever is thrown at you, and hope for the outcome to be worth it – to find that elusive happy ending. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way saying that I live a miserable existence. I’m just saying that I selfishly have a longing for all the hardships to lead to something truly spectacular in the end.  And while my daily life is more than fulfilling, sometimes I just am tired of worrying all the time – it’s like I can’t enjoy what I have because I have no idea what is to come!

Like this…Although I knew my mom was very sick with pancreatic cancer as I planned my wedding, I willed myself to believe that she would make it to my big day…she could NEVER miss that, right?? Well readers, I’m not a person to dwell on what could have been and I don’t really think people should have regrets, because they cannot be changed, only learned from. I contradict myself in one case. I regret not taking a spontaneous trip to Florida in early April 2007, when my mother asked me to, so that we could do a quickie ceremony before the big day. Now that I look back at it, it’s GLARINGLY obvious…she knew then that she wouldn’t make it to September. I acted more childishly than I should have and point blank asked her if she thought she wouldn’t make it…she said yes, and I believed her. It was maybe 2 weeks later that I got a call. It was a Tuesday. I flew home on Wednesday. She wasn’t conscious when I got to her, but I sat with her and talked to her. And said goodbye. She was gone maybe 3 hours later. And 5 months after that, I got married. The most devastating event of my life (until that time) followed by the happiest and most magical day of my life (until that time).

Or something like this…Finding out I was pregnant was – well, that is a story for another time. But I had an amazing pregnancy and a birthing experience that exceeded any expectation I could have imagined. And six weeks after the birth of my literal bundle of joy, I found out that I had cancer. Things happened very quickly after that, and we had to make some pretty hefty decisions – decisions that would affect the rest of our lives as a family. And we decided that our family of 3 was the way it should be. And I was more than okay with that. But losing the ability to choose was devastating. I’m still feeling the repercussions two and a half years later. I had just participated in creating a human being – CREATING A HUMAN BEING (it still blows my mind) – and there would never be a chance to do that again. Pregnancy and birthing, for me, was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The other way that we could compare life to a movie could be that, sometimes, I don’t feel like my life is happening to me. Does that make sense? That I am actually an outsider watching what is happening to me and sometimes I want to be that me, and sometimes I can’t believe that me keeps going. The universe does what it will, with a little help from the choices we make. Sometimes, it’s the not knowing if those are the right choices that make it exciting, and other times terrifying.

Take a chance on me….

Thank you ABBA, I think I will.

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I don’t know what it is that has gotten into me – but I am deep in the feeling for change.

I’m supposed to be studying for this licensing exam (motivation = money), I’ve successfully added PiYo into my daily routine (motivation = tight pants), and now I’ve officially signed up to be a Jamberry Consultant (motivation = the exorbitant amount of money I’ve already spent on wraps with the incentive to get more more more for free!).

I like all of these changes that I’m seeing, but I’m also scared out of my mind. Is it too much too soon? Should I be taking baby steps?
As an aside, a certain prior post about “Baby Steps” did not quite work out the way I wanted!! My hopes are much higher this time around.

Let’s delve a little deeper….

The Series 7 license, better known as the thorn in my side. I have been studying on and off for this exam since February of 2006. Seriously. I’ve taken it twice already – the first time missing passing by a mere 4 questions and the second by 6 or 7. The thing is, I know a good deal of the information, but I literally SUCK at taking tests. I do all the things you are not supposed to do: skip questions and mark them for later, answer questions and mark them for review later, and, worst of all, second guess myself.

I’m a little more optimistic with the PiYo – successfully done every day this week so far! I love that I feel like I’m getting a workout without the high impact, which was killing me! I do feel, however, that if I want to embrace the whole “healthy” me that I will have to add some other type of movement into my daily routine. My head is saying a run in the early morning but my eyes are preventing me from doing this because, well, they like to stay closed…oops!

Let’s talk Jamberry…this is not a shameless plug like “hey, call me ::wink, wink:: and we’ll do a party or whatever..” This was purely on the basis that I became obscenely obsessed with this product in the shortest possible time and I needed to justify buying more before I’d even used all the ones I already had! I’ve scheduled my launch party, an in-home soiree I’m calling Sips & Tips, where I’ll be serving an array of decadent yummies and plying my friends and family with mimosas and Bloody Marys. I’m simultaneously doing an online-only party for my sister-in-law – let me tell you that it’s all up to the clientele…if the fish aren’t biting, then I’m not eating (not literally!), And lastly, I’m also working a remote in-home party for my friend in Florida – 2 weeks of online enticement to end with FaceTime on a Saturday afternoon.

Just reading all thismakes my heart beat just a tad quicker…but I’m thinking that maybe that’s what I need. No one wants to feel that life has gotten stale, do they?

A lovely pal of mine just posted something in our “mom’s” group that is really resonating with me, a statement by Elizabeth Edwards….

She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.

And onward she went….

Well, it’s too late now….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brain-child/to-the-furious-mom-in-the-target-parking-lot_b_6078256.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Two and a half years in, and I sometimes still think I’m not cut out for this mommy stuff. While I can’t completely relate to the mother at Target, I certainly can relate to the author.

I am spent today. I’ve had to yell at my 2.5 year old twice – like more than a raised voice, actually not laughing through the anger kind of yelling. I felt helpless and worthless. Where is this coming from? How have I handled this before? What am I doing wrong? And worst of all…am I scarring her??

Mornings are rough. When R takes her to school, I make sure to have her ready to go when I know he has to leave. She drags her feet a little and whines and protests, but I can prod her along and distract her with fun conversation so that she forgets that she didn’t want to brush her teeth. But when it’s his turn, it’s like The Twilight Zone. Every single motion is a battle and she cries for me and he dawdles anyway and I wind up mad. And late to work every single time. This morning was worse than normal – she didn’t want ANYTHING to do with him. I mumbled something about “way to be a parent” and stomped away to finish getting ready, stubbornly telling myself that he would just have to deal with it. Cut to 10 minutes later, and he’s got her in time out (which we don’t really even use) and then he asks her if she’s ready to brush. Spoiler alert, she said no and I was again late. Oh, and to make matters worse, I was so angry that my anger spilled over to R and I huffed out of the house with barely a goodbye….I hate that.

But…tonight was way worse. Q and I had a talk on our way home from school about what it means to be a good girl, why it’s important to have a routine and do things like brush our teeth – no one likes the stinky kid! Everything was going swimmingly; we even discussed that it was bath night and how we wanted to be in our best condition for school pictures tomorrow. Dinner? No problem! Going upstairs? Made a game of it! A little nakey running? Hey, why not?! But then it was time to get in the shower. My little fishy that cried when it was time to GET OUT of the pool at swim class was hysterical and kicking and screeching and clawing. I literally sat down on the bathroom floor and cried.

I’ll spare you the details of how we got her clean, and then SHE ASKED to brush her teeth…

As I’ve said before, I thought I didn’t want kids (see She Is…) but Q is my everything. So how can I feel like a complete failure when it comes to her? And why do I feel like sometimes I just can’t do it? I feel like a terrible person and an even worse parent.

Some may say it comes with the job; some may say that I don’t have enough patience. I guess what I’ll do is take a deep breath, pour a glass of wine, turn on the monitor and watch her sleep. Then, I will go to bed. And when I wake up in the morning, I’ll start from scratch and hope for the best.

I forgot my watch….

Two years ago, we took Q to the pumpkin patch way too late in the season, and I decided that the next time, we would go in the first week of October.  We never made it last year.  It’s now close to the end of October.

I took her apple picking last year in early October and she loved it.  I could only imagine that she would love it more a whole year later.  It’s now close to the end of October.

Since March, I’ve been saying I’m going to take her to the farmer’s market.  It’s now the close to the end of October.

Where does the freaking time go???

It’s hard to work full time and be a mom.  How do people have more than one child??  I get home on Friday and I’m spent.  But between picking up Q, or picking up some integral item that is needed for dinner that I somehow forgot, the weekends are my only chance to DO anything.

Add in pressure from work regarding my professional development (meaning taking a test in 3 WEEKS for the Series 7), weekly dance class on Saturday morning, meal planning and play dates and dinners and family, and now I understand why the elusive “they” say it…..there just aren’t enough hours in the day…

hours in day

I am going to make it my mission to find the impalpable balance that is supposed to be the end-all-be-all of life’s happiness!  Either that, or I’m just going to be really damn tired for the next 20 or so years!!

Maybe we should have talked about that first…

It took us over 2 years to find our house.  We’d actually seen it during one of the arduous Saturday outings with our realtor where we squeezed 7-8 viewings into a 3 hour period.  It didn’t register when we first saw it though, because it had been the last stop on a dreary day when everything looked solemn.

About 7 months later, I was scouring ZipRealty and MLS Property Finder for something, anything, and I saw the listing and thought it was worth a view.  Fast forward through the buying process (that’s for another time) and we were homeowners.

Fast forward two and a half more years…while I love our house, I don’t love the town we live in.  I don’t have anything against the town itself, it’s more of the location of our house and the schools in the district.

Our house is very private (which I love) but that doesn’t work well for a toddler.  There is no comradery to be had in a neighborhood because there is no neighborhood.  There is no riding her trike in the street because the road is not very safe (although we have a hella big driveway – unpaved, of course, which defeats the purpose).  While she has a swingset to swing and slide, that doesn’t leave much room for anything else.

The schools are mediocre at best – which isn’t good enough for me.  Yes, I’m being totally snobby, but Q is my one and only and I want her to have every opportunity.  You could easily make the argument that it’s not always the school but more so the child, but that’s a load.  We could always send her to private school, as tuition would basically be equal to what we pay in daycare anyway.  Let’s be poor forever!!

What it all comes down to (“…is that we haven’t got it all figured out just yet…” – thank you Alanis) is I never thought that 1, I’d be pregs 2 months after buying said house and, 2, I didn’t think we’d stay in said house forever anyway and, 3, I certainly didn’t bank on caring about these things when we decided on said house!!!

So maybe Ry and I should have talked this out a little better.  Maybe I should have played out all the possible scenarios before settling.  At least I can say that it will certainly lead to some interesting times to come!

Stress

I’ll admit it – I care what people think.

Have you picked your jaw up off the floor yet? Amazed that an almost 40 year old woman is still stuck feeling like an insecure teenager?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

With that being said, I want to have nice things because I like nice things. But I also want to come across as fiscally responsible, yet carefree. A bit schizophrenic? I think yes.

Both Ry and I have been at our jobs for almost 9 years. We make a decent living, yet we have no savings, no nest egg, and are nowhere near where we should be on the retirement front. We basically can’t afford our lives. How the eff does that happen??

I used to be so carefree about money – no bank account, no credit cards, hoarding my waitressing tips in a coat pocket in my closet. Then I got a “real” job, and then I bought a house and had a child. Faceplant.

You know how people say “money doesn’t buy happiness”? It really would for me….I’ve already got the happy, now I need the means to fund it!

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