Well, now that you mention it….

Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Β Keep believing, keep pretending – Jim Henson

Do you ever feel like you’re watching a movie of your own life? Not a movie in the sense that my “star syndrome” is getting the better of me and I feel all glamorous or famous or kindred to some character.

This post could easily go one of two ways.

First, it could be that life is so much like a movie that you haven’t seen before. There are highs and lows, hijinks and drama, happiness and sadness….but you just don’t know how it’s all going to turn out. It’s just the best you can do to go through the motions every day, whatever is thrown at you, and hope for the outcome to be worth it – to find that elusive happy ending. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way saying that I live a miserable existence. I’m just saying that I selfishly have a longing for all the hardships to lead to something truly spectacular in the end. Β And while my daily life is more than fulfilling, sometimes I just am tired of worrying all the timeΒ – it’s like I can’t enjoy what I have because I have no idea what is to come!

Like this…Although I knew my mom was very sick with pancreatic cancer as I planned my wedding, I willed myself to believe that she would make it to my big day…she could NEVER miss that, right?? Well readers, I’m not a person to dwell on what could have been and I don’t really think people should have regrets, because they cannot be changed, only learned from. I contradict myself in one case. I regret not taking a spontaneous trip to Florida in early April 2007, when my mother asked me to, so that we could do a quickie ceremony before the big day. Now that I look back at it, it’s GLARINGLY obvious…she knew then that she wouldn’t make it to September. I acted more childishly than I should have and point blank asked her if she thought she wouldn’t make it…she said yes, and I believed her. It was maybe 2 weeks later that I got a call. It was a Tuesday. I flew home on Wednesday. She wasn’t conscious when I got to her, but I sat with her and talked to her. And said goodbye. She was gone maybe 3 hours later. And 5 months after that, I got married. The most devastating event of my life (until that time) followed by the happiest and most magical day of my life (until that time).

Or something like this…Finding out I was pregnant was – well, that is a story for another time. But I had an amazing pregnancy and a birthing experience that exceeded any expectation I could have imagined. And six weeks after the birth of my literal bundle of joy, I found out that I had cancer. Things happened very quickly after that, and we had to make some pretty hefty decisions – decisions that would affect the rest of our lives as a family. And we decided that our family of 3 was the way it should be. And I was more than okay with that. But losing the ability to choose was devastating. I’m still feeling the repercussions two and a half years later. I had just participated in creating a human being – CREATING A HUMAN BEING (it still blows my mind) – and there would never be a chance to do that again. Pregnancy and birthing, for me, was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The other way that we could compare life to a movie could be that, sometimes, I don’t feel like my life is happening to me. Does that make sense? That I am actually an outsider watching what is happening to me and sometimes I want to be that me, and sometimes I can’t believe that me keeps going. The universe does what it will, with a little help from the choices we make. Sometimes, it’s the not knowing if those are the right choices that make it exciting, and other times terrifying.

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Take a chance on me….

Thank you ABBA, I think I will.

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I don’t know what it is that has gotten into me – but I am deep in the feeling for change.

I’m supposed to be studying for this licensing exam (motivation = money), I’ve successfully added PiYo into my daily routine (motivation = tight pants), and now I’ve officially signed up to be a Jamberry Consultant (motivation = the exorbitant amount of money I’ve already spent on wraps with the incentive to get more more more for free!).

I like all of these changes that I’m seeing, but I’m also scared out of my mind. Is it too much too soon? Should I be taking baby steps?
As an aside, a certain prior post about “Baby Steps” did not quite work out the way I wanted!! My hopes are much higher this time around.

Let’s delve a little deeper….

The Series 7 license, better known as the thorn in my side. I have been studying on and off for this exam since February of 2006. Seriously. I’ve taken it twice already – the first time missing passing by a mere 4 questions and the second by 6 or 7. The thing is, I know a good deal of the information, but I literally SUCK at taking tests. I do all the things you are not supposed to do: skip questions and mark them for later, answer questions and mark them for review later, and, worst of all, second guess myself.

I’m a little more optimistic with the PiYo – successfully done every day this week so far! I love that I feel like I’m getting a workout without the high impact, which was killing me! I do feel, however, that if I want to embrace the whole “healthy” me that I will have to add some other type of movement into my daily routine. My head is saying a run in the early morning but my eyes are preventing me from doing this because, well, they like to stay closed…oops!

Let’s talk Jamberry…this is not a shameless plug like “hey, call me ::wink, wink:: and we’ll do a party or whatever..” This was purely on the basis that I became obscenely obsessed with this product in the shortest possible time and I needed to justify buying more before I’d even used all the ones I already had! I’ve scheduled my launch party, an in-home soiree I’m calling Sips & Tips, where I’ll be serving an array of decadent yummies and plying my friends and family with mimosas and Bloody Marys. I’m simultaneously doing an online-only party for my sister-in-law – let me tell you that it’s all up to the clientele…if the fish aren’t biting, then I’m not eating (not literally!), And lastly, I’m also working a remote in-home party for my friend in Florida – 2 weeks of online enticement to end with FaceTime on a Saturday afternoon.

Just reading all thismakes my heart beat just a tad quicker…but I’m thinking that maybe that’s what I need. No one wants to feel that life has gotten stale, do they?

A lovely pal of mine just posted something in our “mom’s” group that is really resonating with me, a statement by Elizabeth Edwards….

She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.

And onward she went….

Well, it’s too late now….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brain-child/to-the-furious-mom-in-the-target-parking-lot_b_6078256.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Two and a half years in, and I sometimes still think I’m not cut out for this mommy stuff. While I can’t completely relate to the mother at Target, I certainly can relate to the author.

I am spent today. I’ve had to yell at my 2.5 year old twice – like more than a raised voice, actually not laughing through the anger kind of yelling. I felt helpless and worthless. Where is this coming from? How have I handled this before? What am I doing wrong? And worst of all…am I scarring her??

Mornings are rough. When R takes her to school, I make sure to have her ready to go when I know he has to leave. She drags her feet a little and whines and protests, but I can prod her along and distract her with fun conversation so that she forgets that she didn’t want to brush her teeth. But when it’s his turn, it’s like The Twilight Zone. Every single motion is a battle and she cries for me and he dawdles anyway and I wind up mad. And late to work every single time. This morning was worse than normal – she didn’t want ANYTHING to do with him. I mumbled something about “way to be a parent” and stomped away to finish getting ready, stubbornly telling myself that he would just have to deal with it. Cut to 10 minutes later, and he’s got her in time out (which we don’t really even use) and then he asks her if she’s ready to brush. Spoiler alert, she said no and I was again late. Oh, and to make matters worse, I was so angry that my anger spilled over to R and I huffed out of the house with barely a goodbye….I hate that.

But…tonight was way worse. Q and I had a talk on our way home from school about what it means to be a good girl, why it’s important to have a routine and do things like brush our teeth – no one likes the stinky kid! Everything was going swimmingly; we even discussed that it was bath night and how we wanted to be in our best condition for school pictures tomorrow. Dinner? No problem! Going upstairs? Made a game of it! A little nakey running? Hey, why not?! But then it was time to get in the shower. My little fishy that cried when it was time to GET OUT of the pool at swim class was hysterical and kicking and screeching and clawing. I literally sat down on the bathroom floor and cried.

I’ll spare you the details of how we got her clean, and then SHE ASKED to brush her teeth…

As I’ve said before, I thought I didn’t want kids (see She Is…) but Q is my everything. So how can I feel like a complete failure when it comes to her? And why do I feel like sometimes I just can’t do it? I feel like a terrible person and an even worse parent.

Some may say it comes with the job; some may say that I don’t have enough patience. I guess what I’ll do is take a deep breath, pour a glass of wine, turn on the monitor and watch her sleep. Then, I will go to bed. And when I wake up in the morning, I’ll start from scratch and hope for the best.

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