Oops…my bad…

Um…so I wanted to start this new blog, right?  And then I looked and it was 2 months later!  Way to go, Mer – writing a blog, if even for myself, won’t do any good for anything if nothing is actually written.

Ok, let’s try again – new year, new try?

This is the Year of Me.  I think a lot of people say/think that, kind of like “the summer of George”, with the best of intentions. And I also think that a lot of those same people are like me, and start off with a fire in their bellies, that slowly burns out when they say, feel lazy or get bored or just give up.

I’m over it.  I’m done sitting back and saying “next time” or “well, I’d like to do this or this someday” or even “maybe we should…”  Gone are the days of imagining all the great things I want to do but then don’t.  There may not be a next time, or someday may never come, and there is no need for maybe.

I don’t want to spew a list of must-dos, resolutions if you will, because in the Year of Me there are no must-dos!  Instead, I am choosing to name a few specific things that I have the control to change:

  • It’s time to recognize the good in myself – I am my own worst critic.  I recently read somewhere that, as we get older, we don’t care so much about how the world perceives us.  For me that has always been straight up bullshit.  I am so overly concerned with what other people are thinking of me that it’s kept me from leaving the house on more than one occasion. That is NOT OKAY. I know that I need to give myself credit for things that I have already accomplished. And, honestly, I need to get over myself!
  • I need to take more pictures and capture more moments.  And, more importantly, I need to be in more of those pictures.  This one obviously goes hand in hand with numero uno, as the reason that I’m not in pictures is because I’m so concerned with what other people will think of said pictures.  And for this I ask one thing….WHY????
  • I need to feel passionate about my life again.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not drowning in sorrow or getting all emo (I think that is what it’s called these days) and woe is me.  I love my family.  I feel very lucky to have what I have.  And I’m entirely invested in my marriage and my child and my friends, but I feel like I’m holding myself back in the slightest way.  So I’m going to give it my absolute all.  Not every second of every day, but when it matters.
  • My therapist told me a while back that indecision is often born out of depression.  I have always been the most indecisive person I knew, but I don’t think it was because I didn’t know what I wanted, or because I was down in the dumps.  I think I was just waiting to hear what else was out there – what I hadn’t thought of.  But, really, why would that be any better than my own ideas?  So I’m going to make more decisions and not be afraid to stand by them.

This isn’t impossible.  This isn’t some overzealous attempt to make myself over.  These are 4 small points that I know that I can change.  I can acknowledge that I’ve come a long way in 8 years; from waiting tables in Florida, to being a married, homeowner mom with a steady gig that I’m pretty damn good at!  I can take my daughter out for some fun and not cringe when I see the pictures of us laughing and happy.  I can decide to try something – serious photography, crochet, taking a license exam, blogging – and not “what if” it into the ground, but instead give it my best shot.  And I can decide where I want to go for dinner, what movie I want to see, or where I want to go on vacation.

Full disclosure…I do have that short list of what I want to work on…you know, the usuals.  But I’ve decided to not quantify it in the ways of my past – not going to lose this amount, save this amount, do these things.  In my last post, I mentioned that my work cohort and I were talking about a baby steps plan.  And, while we never put that in place to it’s original intention, I’m going to make this my own baby steps plan; little things I can do for myself to live my life to the fullest.  I like the way that sounds!!


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